Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
You Might Also Like
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Ah..makes sense now
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?