Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
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Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Who called it baking and not making love
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning