[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
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When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.