I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
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Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Thank you corporation very cool
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Storm Tropical Storm
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.