#SCOTUS one-star review
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I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
moms in horror movies
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.