Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
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*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
these two trucks have the same bed length
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.