[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
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Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Holy crap this is wonderful
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.