Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
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They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.