The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
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I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
A duv-egg? In this economy?
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I’m ready for Halloween this year