[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
You Might Also Like
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.