Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
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they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
I’ve had worse
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait