I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
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6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
fired
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”