Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
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Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
If snakes were wide
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.