Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
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[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.