I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
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I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
cats when you pet them too long:
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
I did not eat the cake…
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.