Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
You Might Also Like
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together