Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
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You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
me adding lol on a serious message
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal