[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
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“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.