dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
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I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
The USS B port
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today