Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
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My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.