people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
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What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
This meal prepping shit is easy
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems