Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
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I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”