yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
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Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Pretty much! 😂👀
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.