My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
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You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
What’s a Messi?
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.