Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
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Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
they split up moments later
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
WWE is French for “yes”
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.