Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
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“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.