walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
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Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
When libraries troll their patrons.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
58.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Follow me for more fitness tips.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.