Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
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So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
I want to meet the individual who made this