My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
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Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
So glad we cleared that up
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”