Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
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joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
I love snow
– People who never shovel
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.