I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
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I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
How to woo a woman
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?