my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
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lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume