Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
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I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
excuse me
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
going to the ER y’all need anything