Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
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I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony