I’m awake but I object,
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He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I hate when that happens.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺