The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
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Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.