why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
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My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Florida be like…
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.