do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
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I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Thoughts
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
My purse is deeper than some people.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.