I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
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me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
good work, everybody
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.