As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
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I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.