What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
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No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.