I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
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I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Watermelon Boss!
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed