Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
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Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka