A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
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I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
The Onion called it…again.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.