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This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
This was my dad’s browser history.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.