“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
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Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey