2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
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I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
#ProTip
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
found my next D&D character name
sleeping beauty
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)