“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
You Might Also Like
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*