Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
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{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.