If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
You Might Also Like
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Message from the dog groomers
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.